Our children are not our children

‘Bows and arrows’
The metaphor of parenting

Our children are the arrows
When I’ve asked other Dads what ‘fatherhood’ means, the answers are rarely about the ‘old school’ belief that ‘Father knows best’ and must be in control of everything in their child’s life. It is far more often about care, guidance, and most of all, it is about that ever-so-difficult task of letting go.

Seeking guidance
In my last post I spoke about not having a map to guide us as we develop our identities and skills as Dads. Still, I remember making a list of the things I wanted to teach my children… before I had even met their mother (or their Step-Mum!).

Being a Dad has always been something I longed for. And while no one can hand you a clear guide for your own family, I looked far and wide to learn from men and thinkers who resonated with me. Some came from backgrounds in psychology, others from philosophy, others from mythology, and still others from poetry and the arts. One of these was one of my heroes, the amazing Lebanese American author, Kahlil Gibran, who wrote:

‘The Archer’
Illustration in Kahlil Gibran’s chapter on Children

‘Sent forth’
Discovering how to be arrows of light

Those lines pierce me every time. They remind me that being a Dad is not ownership, but stewardship. We don’t make our children who they are. We support them as they become themselves.

Letting go
The hard truth is this: our children are not meant to live the lives we imagine for them. They are meant to live their own. And while we can give them the firm foundation from which to base their lives upon, at a point in their development, the greatest, and sometimes, the hardest act of fatherhood is stepping back so they can step forward.

‘Stepping forward’

Reframing the question
So this Father’s Day, perhaps the question I am asking myself is not “What do I want for my children?” but “How can I help them become more fully who they already are, and use this to thrive into their future?”

Invitation to Practice
Choose one thing your child loves that isn’t what you’d have chosen for them. It could be a hobby, a style, a way of being. For just one day, instead of steering or judging, practice pure encouragement. Tell them: “I love how much you care about this.”See how it shifts both of you.

‘Joy in their own way’

“Our example teaches louder than our words. But what happens when we fail, or when life throws us into struggle? That’s when resilience becomes the gift we pass on. Let’s explore that next.”