Remembering wholeness
A reflection for Men
When a man forgets who he is, he often mistakes his exhaustion for weakness.
But it is not weakness, its disconnection.
Insights shared
Robert Bly and James Samana
Whitehorse Key, off the coast of Florida
Years ago, I spent a week paddling a canoe with Robert Bly… the poet who helped ignite a new language for men’s inner lives. I still remember sitting by the water, he on a folding chair, me, sitting on the sand, listening as he spoke softly about poetry, fatherhood, and the hunger so many men carry… for meaning.
He told me, ‘If a poem moves you, it should live in your heart. Honour it by letting it live from reciting, rather than reading. Learn it by heart.’
Then he recited a poem by Ranier Maria Rlike, one that lived in my heart ever since:
“Sometimes a man stands up during supper
and walks outdoors, and keeps on walking
because of a church that stands somewhere in the East.
And his children say blessings on him as if he were dead.
And another man, who remains inside his own house,
dies there, inside the dishes and in the glasses,
so that his children have to go far out into the world
toward that same church, which he forgot. ”
After he finished, Bly looked at me and said, “You’ve walked across America Jim. And whether you know it or not, you’ve been seeking that same church. Every man must, in his own way. It’s the journey toward his own truth.”
That moment stayed with me. It wasn’t about ‘achievment’, nor about ‘arrival’. It was about remembrance. The quiet recognition that the path to thriving is not a climb toward something new, but a return to something ancient, noble, and deeply human.
Carl Rogers, from On Becoming a Person, 1961
Carl Rogers once said, “the curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I change”. But so many men today feel pressured by a system that still tells us that we can not show doubt, pain, fear, or weakness. A system that rewards us for our resilience, but puts obstacles in our way that keep us from embracing our caring side, our yearning to be the Men and Fathers and Dads and Uncles and Brothers and Friends, that we want to be. In that space, it is neigh unto impossible to accept ourselves, as we are… and in those mixed messages, we struggle to change from anything other than the habits that have formed us.
But there is another way forward. And it is closer than you think.
I’ve learned from my training in Aikido, that when you are off-centre, even the smallest push can topple you. But when you are grounded, the world can move around you and you can remain steady.
This concept has, I believe, a Truth which can be used by the many men I talk with.
Men suffer when we lose contact with who we are, and that identity and sense of purpose that lives in our heart.
The challenge is to help men to acknowledge that while in many contexts, there is a need for our ‘emotional armour’, but that we can never forget that beneath that armour is a pulse of life. A part that wants to protect, create, and serve.
This yearning for connection does not mean that connection is not there… rather, it is proof that it still exists. The yearning for ‘something more’ is the call of insight from within. It is the message which we must follow as we build connection.
Mental thriving begins, I believe, with a simple truth.
It is not about what we are against. It is about what we love enough to protect.
I’ve found that there is great benefit in having a Practice.
That thing that can help to bring you back to centre. For some it is movement. For others, it is silence. If you are lucky, you’ve discovered a variety of ways to connect with your centre.
For me, the flow of Aikido, the shaping of wood, time with my Wife and Kids, long talks with friends, and deep listening with clients all have given me reminders that real strength begins with stillness.
Men don't need more criticism. They need more mirrors - honest ones - that show them who they truly are when they stand tall and still. When they create, and hone who they are, and who they want to become.
For me, a great counter to the deficit based discussion regarding men, is a strengths based approach. Talking more about mental presence, and the benefits that it brings to men. About how we yearn for, and can create identity, meaning, and the quiet work of being a man (wherever you fall on the gender or identity spectrum).
And if this speaks to you, if you feel called to explore what wholeness might mean for you, or for the men you lead, I invite you to reach out.
Whether through coaching, facilitation, or speaking, my work is about helping men to reconnect with their centre, and remember who they already are.
REFLECTION
Take a few moments and ask yourself:
what brings me back to centre?
What am I standing for?
What do I love enough to protect?
Sometimes the first step back to wholeness is simply to remember that these questions matter and that you do too.
